I didn't even elaborate on all the items on that list in the previous entry. It seems irrelevant to do that now, as "now" is ages since.
What's happened between then and now?
I met Boston Boy. I had the hots for Haikal for a very short while.I deflected a kiss from Vic. I had a street encounter and im dying to get it on.
Jesus im such a slut. lol
But a kind-hearted, semi-intellectual, tanned one, that is :)

There's a change in perspective. Boston Boy helped me..and i've had time to think and do some soul searching on how i want to approach life and i how i want to live it, to make the most out of it. You got one shot at this life, do something.
So yes, i now have an open book, an open mind.. the difference, it's mind blowing.
I try hard not to judge as it's not my place to do so. People's life, they can lead it as they see fit.
But it gets slightly more complicated than that when you actually care. For example, Fish did ecstacy few weeks back and he's planning to do it again. He has also invited me for a "pop". He's done weed before. Dealt in it too.
I understand curiousity, the need to try and do and experience new things.
I understand that kids want to experience a high.

After that, i don't understand it anymore. It's sad, come to think of it.

Boston Boy has left for about 2 weeks plus. I am swell. Looks like adopting a new mindset has made me stronger, mentally. Not to mention a whole lot more brazen and wanton too! And standing up for what i believe in and not letting people take a crap on me.

You know what would be really nice? If that groom's cousin were to give me a call one of these days.

[Such a slut]!

But i have to admit, getting that number and having that conversation was empowering. The thrill of the chase, the hidden meanings behind each line, that handshake which lasted a bit too long.

Call me, will you? eh?

it has been a while.
out of sheer boredom, i have decided to re-blog.
hopefully it'll help me see things differently. hopefully when im reading this, it'll incite laughs. i don't write for others, i write for me, you see. then again, there's the writer's pride. the one where the number of readers indicate how good a write it was. but i don't think my stuff is for reading cause it's just so jesus long and full of ickle fickle details.

so much to say, .. but don't quite know how to start. i shall make a list and comply accordingly.

1. the men
2. amy
3. education
4. yssup problem
5. australia
6. dogs
7. the matrix
8. hair
9. hormone problem
10. the gang
11. father and mother
12. weight
13. exercise
14. toastmasters
    

the list doesn't sound impressive. earlier when i was comtemplating on whether to blog or not, i was under the illusion that i had tonnes of stuff to electronically scribble. as it is, it isn't the case.

the men. yes. ok. erm. im looking at what happened through cynical eyes. i like to think im partially jaded now and wary of men. it's much safer and easier.

i had initially wanted to start the story with gajen but so damned tired of retelling the story again and again. so im doing a copy and paste technique. this was wht i emailed amy through facebook.

i got to know this guy through my ns friend. they were uni mates at nottingham. he's 23, rich, sri lankan.
msn---> sms--->phone calls.
keep in mind i've never met the dude b4.
the day after my trials ended, i took the bus to kl to meet him.
i stayed at his place 4 3 days, slept in his bed 4 2 days.
keep in mind tht i'v nvr been, or had, a guy b4.i haven't evn had a fucking bf b4.
i know he wanted to go all the way. god hlep me, but if i wasn't menstruating, i don't know how things would have turned out..
so yes, i very much enjoyed everything we did on bed but i had my pants on the entire time. he obviously didn't.
and i swallow. =) which makes me a champ!! woohoo.
haha.
bottom line is, ever since i came back, he sort of lost interest in me, i had already expected this.but still, knowing doesn't make it any easier.
was hurt.
i left kl with my hymen intact.
he left without saying anything.
how romantic, eh

so yes, tht's how it was about gajen. god i loved the seduction.
then erm, it was vikram. who i got to know indirectly through jo. now, vikram's 28, a brahmin, an avid crackpot, healthy drinker and er, he collects money. whatever that means. at night, he's a dj. during the day, supposedly event managing. the only thing i see him managing during the day is his sleep. i fell for vic because underneath all that nigger shit, he had sad experiences. and he's a huge dog person. im a huge dog person( i doubt he knows).
it' easier to talk about vikram than gajen, maybe because he was mo recent?
ok anyway( this is going to be long. long. long)
i first met vic when jo brought me along to pick monkey man ( MM) up 4 breakfast. we went to a house and waited. and out came this man with only his boxers on and i did remember thinking, mmmm if all of sanjeet's friends look like this,( my mind was fertile that time, u see). he was skinny, close cropped hair, and badly done tatoo's all over him. and i was wearing my big big black monster shirt, tennis shorts, and spectacles. he had a hole in his boxers, not the usual slit.
i can't really recall the exact sequence of events but i remember pointing it out to jo and mentioning you can't see anything anyways, it's dark, there's too much hair bla bla bla.
somehow, i never seem to learn that somethings are better left unsaid.
then after stpm, we went to sincero to club. he was there. later on we accompanied the men whilst they played pool. that was the first time in my life that i got hit on. it felt electric. but even then, i didn't develop any of the usual signs yet.

then somehow, i slowly did.

after i switched the LIKE switch off, he found out and we smsd for 2 days ( at night, i hardly got any sleep during that 2 days) and on the third day, it was consummated. haha. no it wasn't sex.
i was in jj during the day. watched a movie with konika and gang, had lunch with vikram, met up with tharash and got back home quite late.i had an argument with father, then went out at night, full of spiteful agitation to a pool thing in jocelyn's house. i entertained a lot of ppl that night due to that simmering fury. when i say entertain, i mean smart ass retorts and snapping.
jo'n and aaron, ee ling, mun yee, gerard, jocelyn, me and jo were there that night. i had earlier refused to get into the pool for i didn't want to wet my hair and i didn't bring a change of clothes.
then due to mounting pressure and lack of better things to do, i got in, with my bra and tennis shorts. i don't think it was a pretty sight due to the excess flab around my mid section.
so yes, there i was, in the pool, going on and on about if there was a hot guy, i'd kiss him, there and then. so jo ( bless her heart) called vic. and i waited for nearly 5 hours i think before he arrived. within that 5 hours, i had stayed in the pool, got out, went out for makan.
with vikram, i did a lot of waiting.
met him after we finish makan. he dropped me and jo back and said he has to go back to go take shorts and slippers and stuff. i was already so frustrated, so eager and he has to pull a stunt like that.
so yes, shoo shoo and come back fast.
and he comes back with a friend.
i could have screamed. i evn wailed at tht friend :) then i had to wait for the bastard to finish eating his currypuff. then whn we did get in the pool it was fucking cold and even my teeth was chattering.
picture this. we're sitting beside the pool, me in my bra and shorts and he in his shorts. and nothing, NOTHING goes on.
after we got out, and dried ourselves, sat at the table for a bit to pass time. then he messages me. it was 6 am-ish by then. says wanna go hang out somewhere. i bulled to my father saying im staying on for breakfast.jo went back home. i drove to his place.
i remember pushing. a lot. even as we got on the couch, he was still so hesistant. and i clearly remember saying i know what i want.
and it happened on the couch. it was good because both needed it, i think. i was hormonal and needed an outlet, he just broke up with his girlfriend of 7 years.
he took considerably longer to come compared to gajen. men seem to think the longer they take, the better they are.
i remember getting quite worried as i don't do penetration, you see. he said; maybe it's better that way. and there was no barrier, on top of all that but it all seemed right, so natural, so .. good.
with gajen, i had my pants on the entire time.
with vikram, i had my bra on the entire time.

i drove back. i almost fell asleep at the wheel. 3 FUCKING times.
i rmbr eating a piece of chocolate( a rare luxury) b4 i slept. it was around 9 am then.

then no action for almost 2 weeks, i think.
i did call. it fell short of begging.

the repeat performance was on chinese new year, the 2nd day i think. i did all the work. i was at rum earlier with smita, kishen, syafig, and michael cheah. mikey mikey mikey. wht can i say about you?
i held michaels hand that night. he was drunk. but as we sat on the couch, resting, i was closer to him than anyone else in the entire world.
i didn't even think i was going to meet vic that night.had supper with smita and kishen. i called jas to tell him i had sneha's sister with me. i was still ok with that man, back then la. hahaha.
then i saw an idiot driving by in a waja, and it was vic. he usually drives a wira. seems it was his sister's car. i think he said " come inside. let me get a good look at you, soya"
after an hour or so, i got his house keys from him, sent smits home and went to his place( new place, he shifted house). and waited.
after half an hour, he got back. and he wasn't jumping on me. he never jumps, in fact.
(note to self; i need to find someone who jumps on me)
this time he fell asleep half way and the sucking off was continued when he woke up later on. this time, he wanted in. i remember being rolled onto my back.i remember a finger roughly shoved in. i remember saying no. and it stayed as a no.
so the very willing, eager 19 year old wasn't exploited as much as she would have wanted.
either he must have had way too many chicks to be properly bothered, or i had excess fat, or i didn't too good a job.

and the third occasion, where nothing sexual happened, was on the day of edward's accident. he called me at 3am in the morning, asking me to come to ore ore. told him he was crazy, my father was at home. the dude had the cheek to ask me to sneak out. i told him if it was 5 or 6, i can at least find some reason to cock at that.
he calls me up at 6ish and asks how about i come over and he'll do me real good. i remember immediately juicing ( it later turned out to be one of those volume moments)
i showered because i wanted to smell nice for him. i remember speeding like a race demon and almost meeting an accident somewhere near pantai puteri. he called when i was driving, asking me how far away i was. [ i swear to god, if he had said it's ok, another time then.. - i don't know how i would have reacted, i really don't ]bloody bastard, i'v waited hours for him and he can't even wait out one.
when i got there, he was on the couch (not the ONE). he fed his dogs( bubu and snoop) , dilly dallied, then we got up. his room's a mess and when i tried suggesting a dustbin for it, he said leave my room as it is. don't try and change anything. that bit really struck home.
i think i functioned as a friend that morning, just someone to lie beside with and fall asleep. that's his fear= being alone. that's why he drags friends along everyfuckingwhere he goes. i think he did try to push my hand downsouth but i gripped him back real hard. i had at that point of time, already decided, if im to go down on him, i should at least get some back. so yes, i spent almost an hour just lying beside him, watching him sleep, touching his scars, tracing his lips, telling him things which i wouldn't have dreamt of telling him if he were not asleep.

i thought i could use vikram. i thought i could practise mutual understanding and total emotional detachment. i thought wrong.
because i cared for the man.

oh i did care. and how i was ,eventually, ignored.

and not so long afterwards, he called me up one night, asking for a vet's number for snoop. he was bleeding out of it's anus. i called dad for help. father saying it will have to wait for morning.

snoop died at 4 am the next day.

how i felt..

and when i was in penang doing my diving course, and he called in the middle of the night and he cried into the phone. i really did bleed then. if i were in ipoh, i would have tried to reach for him.
i cried into the phone.

and i tried to reach for him the whole of next day, and the phone was either switched off or silenced. and that's how the problem with that j man started.
i was going crazy, i didn't know how or where he was. so i called J and i must have used a foul word here or there, and J was annoyed, pissed off rather. he hung up on me.

friends don't do that. therefore, he is no longer considered one.

and that's how, things rather sourly ended.
i wish mister vikram well. if he were to call me, i don't know how i'l respond.
mister vikram has been the only guy up to date, to have said those 3 words to me, no doubt in a drunken stupor, but still. a girl remembers her first.
oh mister vikram. you are so screwed up and yet, you have a heart. i only hope you find what you're looking for.

so, after the talk we went to lunch, where i made a mess out of the parking ticket. wanted butter sugar thosai, but it was LUNCH time. haha.

then dad sent me to the Razak library. where i met lau pui yee. it's been a while since i last met her as the exams were on and she was getting chummy with kee cheong. i don't mind. i have learned that sometimes, we need to let go. hehe
because she is one hell of a character-smart and crazy in a silly way.
so, met here. and didn't get anything studying done. she herself know's that. she know's tht when she's around, i won't b able to study. as her MOUTH keeps letting words and sentences and paragraphs and essays and novels and saga;s out.
haha.
we plan to watch spidey 3 on monday after the exams. i gotta drive coz her rotex ends today and she won't be able to drive to school untill she gets a new one.

then this tall indian guy who's from smi too, comes to see pui yee. since he frequents the library often, i guess they know each other la. his name is hema and he looks like the purple monster from monster inc because his hair is soo spiked up. and he likes linkin park and fort minor.
i never speak to dudes much. them dudes in my class, of course. i bug them non stop.
but the ones outside, no way in rotting hell. wht more an indian dude.
so, haha, today was the first time i spoke to mr. hemanathan. and it turns out he's quite smart.
oh i so have to stop judging ppl.
oh yea, he works out.at YMCA GYM! i used to go there. i didn't mention tht to him tho.
it would be an embarassment. the word gym and me shouldn't be in the same sentence.

then, i tried negotiating with dad about the time of departure as if i were to go back later, i could go to ICE ICE BABY with pui yee. i told him the girl i was supposed to go jogging with pulled out. there's actually no "girl" in the first place. i always say im going with tht girl from westpool park(siew ee) to make my dad not worry.
he said ( thru sms) go on ur own. and he wanted my to watch Suzie Osmond. he's obssesed about tht tv show. and his last words were -remember what i told u this morning.

so, he picked me up at 4.45. went home. didn't even watch suzie osmond at all. instead i was glued to channel 76. it's addictive, tht stuff. it's a gossip channel. it was angelina jolie and reese witherspoon.
im afraid they're drawing us in with all these new channels like 25, 26, 76, 78 and they're going to pull it out once they know they've got a solid fan base in their clutches. and then they gonna charge us for it. sobs.

then, as i contemplated on whether or not to go 4 jogging as whether i were to go or not go, dad wouldn't really know as he's at work, i chugged down the remaining ice cream in the freezer. it was so sickening, tht feeling of not being able to stop when u know u have to STOP.

then, at 6.30, i changed into me long pants, not shorts, like i usually do. i figured out i wouldn't be as conscious as i would with shorts.
the first round was absolute hell. the thought of stopping occured more than the amount of times i took in oxygen into my lungs. it was horrible. then i just had to stop after the first round. i was seriously comtemplating on going back as i had a sort of stich in my right side. then i walked a small round, still thinking on whether or not to go back. then i made myself jog the small round, 4 mom's sake. this is the first time i'v tried jogging after taking a short break. yaso was giving me all the reason to stop. she was continuesly asking me how does this feel? u still got tht stitch on ur right side? u can stop, u know. it's perfectly understandable. u shouldn't push urself too hard. u can always try again. I SURVIVED THT BITCH TALK MAN=>
i was holding my glasses in hands. it helps that i can't c wht ppl r thinking as they c this hippo lug her enormous bottom all over the place. and i had my mp3 player. it does help to a certain extent. it distracts ur mind.
i did it. man i did it.
in some ways, i might have failed as i did 2 rounds non stop few weeks back. but the way i negotiated with yaso to rest for a round, then jog again, no doubt a smaller round, but at least she jogged! man, i should give myself a pat on my back =)

went to rainbow. went to the toilet. drank some pipe water.i was still panting u c, from the earlier workout.mistakenly assumed some malay lady was a NS trainer and i actually asked her if she was really who i thought she was.haha. contemplated on buying a 3.90 per pc persimmon, then decided not too. 4 bucks is just way too much 4 some fruit the size of a squashed tennis ball.
bought milk 4 vinjendran- dad came to the conclusion that he's yelping due to athritis. so we're going to him milk daily. i gave him some milk earlier this morning and boy, did he like it. and bought a carton of VeeGood juice 4 me. tht brand reminds me of mom. she did tell me once how she thinks it's not that bad, considering tht stuff like peel fresh has way too much presevatives in it and so on.
n i bought french fries from marrybrown. i like my fries with vinegar.

dad did mention earlier of how exercising releases this drug like substance in the body called endorphin. tht's y ppl like to run and run.
im actually experiencing it.
or is it actually just a placebo effect?
oh i don't mind at all.

chelo is hot.hehe, i like his style a lot. cha cha is soo catchy and addictive.
and enigma's voyageur is very seductive, very hot.
makes me wanna go back to karma.

i know's what happening. i was losing focus. i'm not saying i'v been the most focused person ever. i had a bit of aim left in me. but amidst the mess(which i created), i lost direction. my dad realised it too. so, we had a "talk" .over the years, there's been several "talks". it happens whenever he notices a slack.

( stops writing and switches off the lappy as dad came back and wants to continue the talk)

i get fidgety when my dad gives his "talks". so, i find something else to fidget with. i took his watch and started putting it to my ear( i wanted to hear the ticking, u see). then i took the other watch and did the same. dad took both of it and kept it aside. he said, we'll come to that later. those things are here for a purpose.among the things which he mentioned was Uncle G, the story of Bill the elephant, the Asean scholarship and many other things which has, alas, already slipped my mind.

The story of Uncle G goes like this. he was a junior professional hockey player when he was in his teens. and his grades in school were nothing to crow about as he skips school often to play hockey. then, in his Form 6, he didn't attend the entire first year because he was playing hockey. the next year, when he came back to school to brush up for his STPM, he found out he couldn't follow the teachers in class and he studies on his own by doing past year papers. OH did i mention he took the weirdest combo of subjects. if i recall correctly, it was geography, maths, general paper and accounts. many people thought he was nuts. he picked the subjects which played to his strength. now, when the results came out, it still wasn't anything to shout about. due to his involvement in hockey, he got a scholarship. he picked social science with still no idea of what's he going to do for a living. the first year was free. then came the second year. he had actually packed his bags and went home because there was no way in hell he could come up with the money. a teacher who knew of his hockey skills spoke to the Dean, and he was in. he joined the forces( it sounds way cooler saying forces, rather than the police). worked his way up to become an inspector. received several awards from the King or Sultan and made very wise decisions business-wise as in buying and selling houses and many more.he's retired from the forces now and he's not even 50 years old yet. he plans to go back to studying.

here's a kid who didn't get a string of A's, and he's retired with enough money to support his two kids and wife and still have more than enough left to support an above than average lifestyle. im sure there were kids who did get a string of A's in those days who are still struggling now, working for difficult bosses, underpayed and tired. it all boils down to the choices u make in life.

now, the story of bill the elephant is, (whoa, im getting tired. this i going to be one heck of a lloooonnnggggg blog)

there was a herd of elephants. the leader of the pack was a bull elephant called Bill. he was the strongest crazy bull of a elephant. he could uproot gigantic trees with no effort at all- u get the picture la. One day, the King ( a human) of the kingdom offered the princess's hand in marriage to the person who could bring Bill's head to him. All the strongest men and lad from all over the kingdom and beyond tried their very best but all failed. There was a silly stupid man from the village. The King was shocked beyond words when tht silly stupid man not only brought Bill's head to him, he brought the whole of Bill led by a single thread looped around Bill's foreleg.You see, when he first caught Bill( don't ask me how he caught it, my dad conveniently left that bit out), he tied Bill's leg with the strongest fattest metal chain. Bill pulled and pulled but he couldn't break free. it didn't even budge. after some time, he replaced the chain with a lesser chain. Bill tried and tried and yet he still couldn't break free. so, the pattern continued. he replaced the chain with a weaker one, and Bill keeps trying untill one day, the elephant stopped trying. i don't really get the moral of the story. i thought it was never stop trying.

(goes and asks dad)

ah ok. got it. don't let ur thoughts defeat u.in my case, don't think along the lines of if u perform averagely or below average in STPM, u'r not going to turn out ok in life.
dad said there's a Bill in my mind. i wasn't sure if he referring to my approach to studies or my weight. i think he meant both.

the Asean scholarship was just another sad lookback on a missed oppurtunity chanced by luck. my dad had my eyes set on securing that scholarship- i had all the requirments. a minimum of 3 A's, curiculum activities an i can't rmbr wht else. when we sat down and got about to registering after my spm results came out,sigh. it's so sad i don't know how to put it in words.i opened the website. and i saw the words "intake has closed for this year".based on previous advertisements in the paper, there were ALWAYS 2 intakes, one before the results, and one after the results. then all of a sudden,. this made my mom blame dad a lot on my dismal performance in spm. she said dad pushed me too much in the curriculum aspect and didn't pay as much attention in my studies.eventhough we showed her the website, she was still visibly upset. i understand. im not saying she's irrational. i truly get how she feels.

now about the watch. there were two watches and one badly greyishly rusted metal piece on the table. he showed the first watch. it was given to him by his mom and it cost 30 bucks. the next watch was his most prized possesion, a dunhill watch which cost him close to 4000 bucks.
then he showed me the rusty piece of metal.

dad : these 2 watched are made from this same piece of metal.
yaso : i know where you're going with this
dad : tell me then. we can cut this short and save time.

we start out on the same level in life. it depends on how much effort u put into polishing( working hard, making the right choices).

so there u go. the jist of the talk.i am the luckiest girl alive to have parents as crazy and loving and understanding as me mom n dad.i love my dad. i love my mom. when i get my pay, im going to give them 500 monthly. i promise.

i know's what happening. i was losing focus.
i'm not saying i'v been the most focused person ever. i had a bit of aim left in me. but amidst the mess(which i created), i lost direction.
my dad realised it too. so, we had a "talk"
over the years, there's been several "talks". it happens whenever he notices a slack.
( stops writing and switches off the lappy as dad came back and wants to continue the talk)

i get fidgety when my dad gives his "talks". so, i find something else to fidget with. i took his watch and started putting it to my ear( i wanted to hear the ticking, u see). then i took the other watch and did the same. dad took both of it and kept it aside. he said, we'll come to that later. those things are here for a purpose.
among the things which he mentioned was Uncle G, the story of Bill the elephant, the Asean scholarship and many other things which has, alas, already slipped my mind.
The story of Uncle G goes like this. he was a junior professional hockey player when he was in his teens. and his grades in school were nothing to crow about as he skips school often to play hockey. then, in his Form 6, he didn't attend the entire first year because he was playing hockey. the next year, when he came back to school to brush up for his STPM, he found out he couldn't follow the teachers in class and he studies on his own by doing past year papers. OH did i mention he took the weirdest combo of subjects. if i recall correctly, it was geography, maths, general paper and accounts. many people thought he was nuts. he picked the subjects which played to his strength. now, when the results came out, it still wasn't anything to shout about. due to his involvement in hockey, he got a scholarship. he picked social science with still no idea of what's he going to do for a living. the first year was free. then came the second year. he had actually packed his bags and went home because there was no way in hell he could come up with the money. a teacher who knew of his hockey skills spoke to the Dean, and he was in.
he joined the forces( it sounds way cooler saying forces, rather than the police). worked his way up to become an inspector. received several awards from the King or Sultan and made very wise decisions business-wise as in buying and selling houses and many more.
he's retired from the forces now and he's not even 50 years old yet. he plans to go back to studying.
here's a kid who didn't get a string of A's, and he's retired with enough money to support his two kids and wife and still have more than enough left to support an above than average lifestyle.
im sure there were kids who did get a string of A's in those days who are still struggling now, working for difficult bosses, underpayed and tired.
it all boils down to the choices u make in life.

now, the story of bill the elephant is, (whoa, im getting tired. this i going to be one heck of a lloooonnnggggg blog)

there was a herd of elephants. the leader of the pack was a bull elephant called Bill. he was the strongest crazy bull of a elephant. he could uproot gigantic trees with no effort at all- u get the picture la. One day, the King ( a human) of the kingdom offered the princess's hand in marriage to the person who could bring Bill's head to him. All the strongest men and lad from all over the kingdom and beyond tried their very best but all failed. There was a silly stupid man from the village. The King was shocked beyond words when tht silly stupid man not only brought Bill's head to him, he brought the whole of Bill led by a single thread looped around Bill's foreleg.
You see, when he first caught Bill( don't ask me how he caught it, my dad conveniently left that bit out), he tied Bill's leg with the strongest fattest metal chain. Bill pulled and pulled but he couldn't break free. it didn't even budge. after some time, he replaced the chain with a lesser chain. Bill tried and tried and yet he still couldn't break free. so, the pattern continued. he replaced the chain with a weaker one, and Bill keeps trying untill one day, the elephant stopped trying.
i don't really get the moral of the story. i thought it was never stop trying.
(goes and asks dad)
ah ok. got it. don't let ur thoughts defeat u.
in my case, don't think along the lines of if u perform averagely or below average in STPM, u'r not going to turn out ok in life.

the Asean scholarship was just another sad lookback on a missed oppurtunity chanced by luck.
my dad had my eyes set on securing that scholarship- i had all the requirments. a minimum of 3 A's, curiculum activities an i can't rmbr wht else. when we sat down and got about to registering after my spm results came out,sigh. it's so sad i don't know how to put it in words.
i opened the website. and i saw the words "intake has closed for this year".
based on previous advertisements in the paper, there were ALWAYS 2 intakes, one before the results, and one after the results. then all of a sudden,.
this made my mom blame dad a lot on my dismal performance in spm. she said dad pushed me too much in the curriculum aspect and didn't pay as much attention in my studies.
eventhough we showed her the website, she was still visibly upset. i understand. im not saying she's irrational. i truly get how she feels.

so there u go. the jist of the talk.
i am the luckiest girl alive to have parents as crazy and loving and understanding as me mom n dad.
i love my dad. i love my mom. when i get my pay, im going to give them 500 monthly.
i promise.

the rolls of fat on my waist in bothering me now, more so than ever.
i get so motivated in my head. i get this mental image of how im going to go jogging everyday and lose half of the fat by the time mom comes back so i can make her happy.
it's called a mental image for a reason.

imagine how foolish i was.wait, am.
i actually thought if i had an arm band for my mp3 player, i could jog like the fittest babe around town. i scouted 4 one, there was none available currently. so i made one.
my butt is still the same size.
because i didn't go jogging.

i keep saying i meant for bigger things in life. but i can't even get past standard barriers like exams. i'v got GP tmrw n i haven't even revised anything yet. i'v got maths tmrw n i haven't done a single math question in the past one week. the only ones i did were the ones i did on friday, which were in a test. n im reading chemistry. and im getting no where.
are words something i use to disguise the stupidity in me?

i found pete teo today on google. which led me to his website. which is wonderful. he's intelligent. witty, quirky, talented, and there's no glitz or glamour visible.
i think im falling for him.
and serena c had grown into quite a vixen.
and rivermaya's a good band. i like balisong.
i dont' fancy studying at all.

went 4 aunty ranita's surprise birthday party. i thought it was going to be a normal typical sort of gathering. it didn't turn out so bad after all.

what was bad though, was how fat i was. i spent the longest time getting ready in the room and i realised there were tops which i couldn't fit in anymore. i also thought the bangs were long enough but they aren't. im one sad bloody constipated hippopotamus.

we arrived at aunty ranita's. the cars were all parked out of sight. footwear were chucked into a plastic- all these to create the element of surprise for her. uncle G took her for swimming.
the people in the house were their friends from kl, not the typical relative crowd i expected. they were the old ones, they middle ages ones, and the old trying to act young ones. not to mention several charming men too. oh, not the ones u drop dead at first glance types. the types which takes an hour or so to build up.
i was acting very im-not-bothered-who-u-r coz well, they seemed a lot more fun than i was. there was this one cheerful pint sized lady who was nice. a bald headed men who i had a long chat with later at the bar, a all-over-the-place man with thick black hair- he's the pint sized lady's husband and somehow the hair didn't seem to suit the age( that's me being mean) . then there were some other men and women too.there was one particular lady who was wearing a black top with a plunging neck line, like me. it wasn't over the top or anything. it was her attitude. icy cool to strangers, friendly to friends. she was turning the tables on me.i was supposed to be the cold one.
sobs.
anyway, i was looking forward to meeting 3 people there. uncle nesan, uncle indran and monique, his daughter.
i had the biggest pang 4 uncle indran not so long ago and somehow, the unrequited love transferred to his daughter( in the normal way, not the twisted way). but im very much afraid she's gonna turn out to be a typical bimbo.
her name's monique. her mom's japanese, auntie michiko, who was there as well. i could never bring myself to talk to her because of, well, underlying currents.
i was surprised when he came. the liking was no more there. he's just an uncle now.
i think it's because i was looking more forward to meeting another person, uncle nesan.
these are all cousins of mine, no doubt with a wide age gap.
uncle nesan is married with 2 sons. his wife was the bimboesque type, but i guess marriage and motherhood changes u. not only the person u r, but also ur physique. she was lovely and skinny at her wedding, now, she's big. like me. i could hardly bring myself to talk to the adults at all the previous gatherings as i was TOO COOL for them. haha.
now, i can hardly wait to tear myself away from the kids to get to them. apart from monique, that is. i have the softest possible spot for her.
i helped around a bit in the kitchen, which was a tad difficult as i had to watch my bossom from giving too much a peep show. did my fair share of work there. had dinner which was fab. uncle anto handled the food.
their kitchen has a mirror for a wall. so as i sat there eating, i could see how my tummy was bulging out. it's impossible to suck in ur tummy when ur sitting, what more eating.i felt like a low life. here were middle aged aunties, with bodies much better managed than mine.
then, uncle nesan happened =)
he doesn't make me feel like the rest of the adults(apart from ranita and g) do. we've always been comfy since i was a kid. we're thick. i can punch his shoulder and he'll punch me right back. we talked a bit. oh yeah, i forgot to mention a vital link. dad left at 9 for work.
henceforth, i could hang around the bar. i don't know how my dad feels about his daughter in a sexy top, hanging out in the company of men. .
do i need to reason it out anymore? as im fat, they don't look. but if im baring it a little, they'l look. but since im cheating, the effect doens't last. it's not substance, it's surface.
so i was at the bar with uncle nesan amidst all the other men and women. he asked me what i wanted from the bar. i started grinning and grining like a cheshire cat. i said "i don't have permission to drink. dad doesn't even let me drink shandy in his presence. but of course, i have tried". in not so many words, he hinted he wouldn't tell.
he fixed me a drink. whisky. which i didn't really like. i told him i didn't like the taste of beer but vodka's really nice. which he agreed on. he tried to fish details from me, like with whom. all i did was grin and reply, one day-i'll tell you. but i did let him know about club 99. said it goes right to the head. he said it was cheap stuff.
which led me again, to thinking, if it performs the same function, why pay more when u can get it for less?
then i launched into a conversation with the bald guy about the point of drinking, about how ppl my age guzzle down beer like anything. i didn't appear as sophisicated as i wanted to. in fact, i think i came across as a bit too naive, too foolish. he asked my why do i drink? i said to get a bit tipsy, just a bit. he said it's a wrong reason to drink.. then, he said something which i must have heard a dozen times.
it's safe to drink as long as there's ppl to look out for you. because if i wanted to, i could have my way with you. would u want that?
i shook my head in naive pretense.
the devil in me screamed yes. he's not good looking, infact he's skinny and bald. but it's the aura of knowingness he emmits which must be the lady-pulling factor.
i talked to auntie michiko a bit. about how i didn't like the taste of beer. at least she bothered to entertain me. which was mighty nice of her. she agreed that whisky wasnt' very nice. but when i mentioned vodka, she smiled.
i also talked to nesan's wife. on how motherhood changes u, about how come my parents didn't really have a night life, about weight, about the household without mom. i can relate to her. she must have been a bit like me when she was younger.
nesan mentioned that i must stop calling him uncle. i did what i've doing for the whole evening- grin.
somehow, i can't really describe what went out between nesan and me. im a hundred and one percent sure im attracted to him. but i also like his wife. i could lean into him without feeling awkard. he's got to be the only man iv been able to do that with without worrying about how strong i might come on.
when they came back from the pub, i was sleeping in the hall. uncle nesan even brought back a half finished bottle of , oh i don't know, some type of beer.

someone : she's gone. ( from the previous drink)
someone : y are u sleeping on the floor?
yaso : i like simple things in life
nesan : u sleep like ur father
yaso ; i am my fathers daughter
someone: ah, what a revelation.

and keep in mind, i was drowsy as i just woke up. imagine how all that sounded, paired with the look on my face.they might have mistook the sleepiness for tipsyness.
i do not have a high alcohol tolerance, fuck, i don't want to have a high alcohol tolerance. but it was just one glass. and i didn't finish it .
it was time to go. i didn't wanna leave at all. as uncle nesan was there. he was slighty tipsy,not the stumbling drunk type, the pleasant still in control tipsy type. which i really like.
i didn't even get to say bye to him. he wasn't there when we were leaving and i didn't wanna hang around like a wide eyed pup. so, there.
no goodbye, no handshake, no hugs.
n i seriously cannot picture smsing him. words can't have the same effect as his presense.
ahh, well. it can wait, post STPM, here i come baby.

i've got to stop putting my heart and soul into my essays. i tremble and get so nervous like my whole life depends on putting my thoughts on paper. my hands shivered afterwards.

during the break, i went to the balcony. the one facing the 5 star toilet. there i was, thinking about nothing in general, thinking about my reaction towards the essay, the way i felt when i realised i was getting nowhere it? then auhsoj stood at the other end.

i am over auhsoj. heck, if i was still liking him, i would have been a nervous wreck, with him standing in such close proximity.
wht's weirder still is, i had a sudden impulse to tell him tht he used to be the object of my infatuation.
lucky i didn't. we just stood there, leaning over the railing, him saying nothing. me saying nothing.
just staring out into the lush greenery. it felt right. not saying anything. it wasn't a special moment. it was just a, well, just a moment.

and last night. i think i discovered my g-spot.im not sure. but it felt different.